英语幽默小笑话大全

英语风趣小笑话大全1.a kissAt a dinner party, the speaker, who was the guest of honor, was about to deliver a speech when his wife sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word KISS scribbled on it.The guest seated next to the speaker said, Your wife must love you very much, I see her send you a KISS before you begin your speech.The speaker smiled and explained, You dont know my wife. The KISS she give me stands for Keep It Short, Stupid. 2.A teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, Everyone who thinks youre stupid, stand up!Little Johnny then stood up.The teacher said, Do you think youre stupid, Johnny?No, maam, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!一种教师在对学生们讲心理学，“谁觉得自己蠢就站起来？”她一开始就说。小约翰尼站了起来。“你觉得你很蠢吗，小约翰尼？”教师问。“不是的，教师，我只是不喜欢看你一种人站着。”3.a great manTeacher: Would Shakespeare be a greatman if he were still alive today?Student: Of course. He must be a great man, for so far nobody has lived to over 400 years. 一名伟人教师：如果莎士比亚还活着，她会是一名伟人吗？学生：固然。由于到目前为止，还没有人活到400多岁。4Two Cute dogsA man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, Doesyour dog bite? The shopkeeper says, No, my dog does not bite. The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him. Ouch, he says, I thought you said your dog does not bite! The shopkeeper replies, That is not my dog.6.Policeman: Why didnt you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch?Man: If I had opened my mouth, theyd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.警察：有人抢你的手表时，你为什么不呼救呢？男子：要是我张口的话，她们就会发现我的四颗金牙。那就更糟了。7.The little girl did not like the look of the barking dog.Its all right, said a gentleman, dont be afraid. Dont you know the proverb: Barking dogs dont bite?Ah, yes, answered the little girl. I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?一种小女孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。“没有关系，”一位先生说，“不用胆怯，你懂得这条谚语吗：吠狗不咬人。”“啊，我是懂得，可是狗也懂得吗？”8.Class and AssProfessor Laurie of Glasgow put this notice on his door：“Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today” A student，after reading the notice，rubbed out the“c” Later Professor Laurie came along，and entering into the spirit of the joke，rubbed out the“l”格拉斯哥的劳里专家在门上贴了这样一种告知：“劳里专家今天不会她的班。” 一种学生读了告知后，擦掉了字母“c”。 后来劳里专家来了，也想开开玩笑，她擦掉了字母“l”。 9.No matter which girl he brought home， the young man found disapproval from his mother A friend gave him advice “Find a girl just like your motherthen shes bound to like her So the young man searched and searched， and finally found the girlHe told his friendly adviser： “Just like you said， I found a girl who looked，talked，dressed， and even cooked like motherAnd just as you said，mother liked her” “So，”asked the friend，“what happened？” “Nothing，”said the young man“My father hates her！”无论带哪一种女孩回家，这位青年人总会遭到妈妈的反对。一位朋友劝她说： “找一种和你妈妈同样的女孩那她一定会喜欢她。” 于是这位青年人不断地找啊找，终于找到了这样个女孩。 正像你说的那样，我找到一种长相、谈吐、穿着打扮，甚至连烹饪都和我妈妈同样的女孩。也正像你说的那样，我妈妈喜欢她。” “那后来呢？”朋友问。 “没什么，”青年人说。“我爸爸讨厌她！”10 The Same Service.A man who had been married for ten years was consulting a marriage counselor “When I was first married，I was very happy Id come home from a hard day down at the shop，and my little dog would race around barking，and my wife would bring me my slippersNow everythings changedWhen I come home，my dog brings me my slippers，and my wife barks at me” “I dont know what youre complaining about，”said the counselor“Youre still getting the same service”一种结婚十年的男人正在请教一位婚姻顾问。“刚结婚那会儿，我非常幸福。我在店里劳累一天回到家，我的小狗会绕着我跑，汪汪叫，而我的妻子给我拿来拖鞋。目前一切都变了。我回到家里，我的狗给我拿来拖鞋，我的妻子对着我汪汪叫。” “我不懂得你在抱怨什么，”婚姻顾问说。“你得到的服务还是同样的呀。”11.A highway patrol officer stopped a speeding motorist. Dont you know what the blinking lights and siren mean? he demanded.Yes, sir, replied the driver. Then why didnt you pull over immediately? I would have, officer, the man said. But last month my wife ran off with a policeman, and I was afraid you were bringing her back.一位公路巡警截住了一种超速司机。“难道你不懂得闪烁灯和警笛的意思吗？”她质问道。 “懂得，长官，”司机回答说。“那你为什么不立即靠边停车？” “我本来想这样做的，长官。”那男子回答说，“但上个月我妻子和一位警察私奔了，我是胆怯你把她带回来。” 12.Workman：“Mr. Brown，I should like to ask for a small rise in my wages I have just been married” Employer：“Very sorry，my dear man， but I cant help you For accidents which happen to our workmen outside the factory, we are not responsible”工人：“布朗先生，我想请您给我加一点工资。我刚刚结了婚。” 雇主：“非常抱歉，老兄，但是我无能为力。对工人在厂外发生的事故我们概不负责。”13.Sir William Thompson was very deaf but he did not like people to know this One evening he had invited several friends to dinner， and while they were sitting at the table， one of the friends told a funny story Everyone laughed， and Sir William， who had laughed as loud as anyone， said，“That was a very funny joke， but I know a funnier one Would you like to hear it？” They all said they would， so Sir William began his story When it ended， everyone laughed louder than ever and Sir William smiled happily But he didnt know the reason for their laughter He had told the very same story that his friend had just told威廉汤普森爵士非常聋，但她却不乐意让别人懂得这 件事，一天晚上，她邀请了几位朋友吃饭。在就餐的时候，一 位朋友讲了个有趣的故事，大都笑了，汤普森也和别人一 样放声大笑，她说：“这是个十分有趣的笑话，但是我还懂得 一种更有趣的笑话，你们乐意听吗？”朋友们都说乐意听。于 是，汤普森开始讲她的故事。当故事讲完时，人们笑得比方才 还厉害，汤普森的脸上露出了欣慰的笑容。但她却不懂得别 人发笑的因素。本来，她讲的正是方才那位朋友讲的故事。14.Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!Mrs. Brown: Its no use, my little dog cant read.布朗夫人：哦，亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不结识字。”1. As new students at a university in Boston, many of us were unfamiliar with the campus and consequently late for class. One professor, however, was particularly intolerant of tardiness, making it clear that no excuse would be acceptable. So when a student stumbled into his class one morning late, we expected the worst. Obvious upset, the professor demanded the reason for the students tardiness. “ I was waiting on line to buy your new textbook, “ she replied nervously. Gazing out at the rest of the class, the professor asked, “Well, why werent the rest of you late?”