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单击此处编辑母版标题样式,单击此处编辑母版文本样式,第二级,第三级,第四级,第五级,2020/1/28,#,Massive lock gates are utilized to manage the water levels in the rivers, so that ships can move from one direction to another. The water level behind one set of closed locks can be much higher than that of the next compartment through which a ship will travel.,We can compare this scene to the state of mind of an individual suffering from deep emotional wounds, or involved in a serious interpersonal conflict. With disparate water levels there is a buildup of pressure behind the closed locks.,If one were to open these lock gates, the flow would be mostly unidirectional. Likewise, a person who is holding,（克制或抑制自己）,in her emotions needs a release. Such an individual is unlikely to (1) think clearly about the challenge or (2) be receptive to outside input from another.,The role of the listener or helper is to allow such an individual to open the lock gates. When he does, the water gushes out. During this venting process, there is still too much pressure for a person to consider other perspectives. Only when the water level has leveled off between the two compartments, does the water begin to flow evenly back and forth.,The role of the listener is to help empty the large reservoirs of emotion, anger, stress, frustration and other negative feelings until the individual can see more clearly. Not until then, can a party consider the needs of the other. Perhaps we can think of it as listening first aid.,The process of listening so others will talk is called,empathic listening,. Empathy, according to some dictionary definitions, means to put oneself in a position to understand another person. Certainly, this is an aspect of empathy. We prefer to define empathy, however, as it is often used in psychology: the process of attending to another so the individual feels heard in a non-judgmental way.,Empathic listening requires that we accompany a person in her moment of sadness, anguish, self-discovery, challenge (or even great joy!). This approach to listening was developed by Carl Rogers, author of,Client-Centered Therapy,.1 Rogers applied the method to the rapeutic as well as human resource management skills. When an individual feels understood, an enormous emotional burden is lifted; stress and defensiveness are reduced; and clarity increases.,We spend a large portion of our waking hours conversing and listening. When two friends or colleagues have an engaging dialogue, they will often compete to speak and share ideas. Certainly, listening skills play an important role in such stimulating exchanges. When it comes to empathic listening, we do not vie to be heard, nor do we take turns speaking. Rather, we are there to motivate and cheer the other person on.,Empathic listening skills require a different subset of proficiencies than conversing, and it is certainly an acquired skill. Many individuals, at first, find the process somewhat uncomfortable. Furthermore, people are often surprised at the exertion required to become a competent listener. Once the skill is attained, there is nothing automatic about it. In order to truly listen, we must set aside sufficient time to do so. Perhaps the root of the challenge lies here. People frequently lose patience when listening to anothers problem. Empathic listening is incompatible with being in a hurry, or with the fast paced world around us. Such careful listening requires that we, at least for the moment, place time on slow motion and suspend our own thoughts and needs. Clearly, there are no shortcuts to empathic listening.,Effective listening and attending skills can be applied to all of our interpersonal and business relationships. We will become more effective listeners as we practice at home, in our business dealings, and in other circles. One of the greatest gifts we can give another is that of truly listening.,Different approaches to listening,There are different approaches to providing assistance. One helping model involves a three-step process: 1) attentive listening, 2) asking effective diagnostic questions, and 3) offering a prescription, or solution. Slowly, or sometimes quite abruptly, people move from listening to prescribing. It is not uncommon, under some circumstances, for a person to focus on the third of these steps: offering advice (sometimes even when none is sought). In other situations, individuals may utilize the first two steps. Perhaps most uncommon is an emphasis on listening alone.,On the way home from a father-daughter date, I asked one of my daughters if I could give her some,free advice,. I certainly dont plan to pay for it, she quipped. On another occasion, another young woman came to see me. Sofa could not perceive how giving the cold shoulder to Patricia who had been her best friend at the university was not only a cause of pain to the latter, but also a way to further escalate the growing conflict between the two.,I no longer speak to Patricia when I see her, Sofa began. her cold attitude toward me really hurts. She never greets me, and that hurts. She used to be very kind. But you know, now, when she tries to come over and speak to me I pretend I havent noticed her and look away.,do you expect your friend to act in a warm way toward you if you give her the cold shoulder when she tries to speak to you?I inquired, stating the obvious.,I should have instead kept that comment to myself. Sofa was upset by my counsel and avoided me for some time. A few weeks later she came to see me again. This time I listened empathically. It meant not stating the obvious, but rather, being attentive while Sofa described, in full detail, the ache she was feeling, the history of the conflict, her suffering and hopes. Sofa felt heard and was able to take some preliminary steps towards resolving her challenge.,Our effectiveness as a listener is often lost if we solve the problem before the person we are attempting to help does. Some try unsuccessfully to disguise their advice-giving tactics through such questions as, how do you think .?or, have you tried .?,Aaliyah is very concerned about her grown daughter, and has been openly disclosing her worries with her friend, Shanise. Let us listen in on their conversation.,These are the problems I have with my daughter, Aaliyah shares, anguish (,感到极度痛苦,),，,punctuating each word. I want to seek her out,（找她）, try and speak with her, try and have her understand, but she does not mind me. Pause I simply dont know what to do, I feel incapable of helping her.,If you would get her professional help, would she go? Shanise proposes.,mm. Eh. Pause As I was telling you, she doesnt mind me. When I try and speak to her, give her advice, then she changes topics. That is the problem I have, that I seek her out but she does not mind me. Aaliyah insists.,Aaliyah considers Shanises contribution a distraction, and momentarily loses track of what she was saying. Aaliyah, however, takes control of the conversation once again. Because Shanise has been showing empathy to this point, Aaliyah forgives the interruption.,There will be times when people seem to be asking for a solution, such as Aaliyahs comment, they simply dont know what to do.Perhaps they will even ask for advice, what should I do? The listener ought not to rush in with a prescription. It is worthwhile, at least, to say something like, you are unsure as to how to proceed.?If the person says something like, exactly! and continues to speak, we know we have hit the mark. If instead, the individual continues to ask for suggestions, we can help them explore options.,Sympathy is quite different than empathy. It often springs more from our desire for normality, than for helping someone. One of my favorite illustrations comes from Alfred Benjamin: then Lucy said, Ill never get married now that I am disabled, what did you do? You know you felt terrible; you felt that the whole world had caved in on her. But what did you say? What did you show? If Lucy was your seventeen year old daughter, niece, or younger sister often asks, what would you like to say to her?,Some of the most frequent responses include:,Your internal beauty is more important than outward appearances.,I still find you beautiful.,If a young man cannot see your beauty, he is not worthy of you.,Modern medicine can work miracles and perhaps you can recover beyond expectation.,Afred Benjamin continues, did you help her to bring it out; to say it, all of it; to hear it and examine it? You almost said: dont be foolish. You are young and pretty and smart, and who knows, perhaps But you didnt. You had said similar things to patients in the hospital until you learned that it closed them off.,So this time you simply looked at her and werent afraid to feel what you both felt. Then you said, you feel right now that your whole life has been ruined by this accident. Thats just it, she retorted, crying bitterly. After awhile she continued talking. She was still disabled, but you hadnt gotten in the way of her hating it and confronting it.?,In my opinion, it is not about withholding comments about the beauty of the young lady, or about how much we care about her. Many of these comments may be shared, but later, after Lucy feels truly heard and does not have more to say herself.,There are numerous ways we discount the needs of others, even when we think we are being good listeners. For instance, we may attempt to share our own story of loss, disappointment, or of success, before the individual has had the opportunity to be heard in his story. We may feel that sharing our own story is proof that we are listening, but instead, the other person feels we have stolen the show. Once again, this is not to say that there is no room to share our story with others, but rather, we should hear them out first.,Some persons confuse empathic listening with being silent. First attempts to listen empathically are often betrayed by facial and body language that say we are quiet so I can give you advice. Have you ever tried to speak to someone who is silent and gives no indication of what he is thinking? We do not know if the person has lost interest or is judging us.,When people have deep sentiments to share, rarely do they expose their vulnerability by getting to the point right away. Ordinarily, the topic is examined through increasingly constricting circles. We may also compare it to an iceberg. Only an eighth protrudes to the surface while the rest remains submerged,buried under the surface of the ocean. When someone says, I am worried because,。,and another responds, dont worry so much,?the worried person does not cease to be concerned. Rather, it becomes clear that the apprehension cannot be safely shared with this individual. Likewise, when a person proceeds to give a suggestion before understanding the situation, individuals will frequently pretend to go along with the proposal simply to get rid of the problem solver.,Diagnostic Phase,in the process of empathic listening, the diagnosis needs to be carried out by each party, rather than the mediator. An emphasis on diagnostics betrays a perspective in which the listener is to provide wisdom, understanding, and solutions.,Often, individuals listen and ask questions with the idea of confirming their own observations. A much more effective method is to be moved by a spirit of curiosity. Such an approach has been called a stance of deliberate ignorance. Instead of assuming that a certain experience is the same as another we have lived or heard of in the past, we listen with interest and curiosity. Inquisitive listeners never assume that they understand the meaning of an action, and event, or a word.,
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