相亲聚会几次后男生很规矩 和我女儿聚会的八条简单规矩

相亲聚会几次后男生很规矩 和我女儿聚会的八条简单规矩 When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriends father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter. He would open the door and immediately 1)affect a 2)good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly 3)persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughters 4)suitors feel even worse. My motto: 5)Wilt them in the living room and theyll stay wilted all night.As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk, youd better be delivering a package, because youre sure 6)as heck not picking anything up.Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughters body, I will remove them.Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please dont take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, 7)come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my 8)electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.Rule Four: Im sure youve been told that in todays world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me 9)elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and 10)fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the 11)Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why dont you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?本文为全文原貌 未安装PDF浏览器用户请先下载安装 原版全文Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places lacking parents, policemen, or nuns. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the 12)ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, 13)tank tops, 14)midriff T-shirts, or anything other than 15)overalls, a sweater, and a 16)goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature17)chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. Id be embarrassed toothere are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, 18)for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these 19)cretins that Id have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldnt remember them. prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequateink washes offand that my 21)wood burning set was probably a better alternative.One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughters would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door drill a few dozen times), she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. “Dont you remember being that age?” she challenged.Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?念中课时,我很怕我女友的父亲。我相信她总怀疑我要对她女儿毛手毛脚。她会打开门,立马露出一副“笑里藏刀”的表情,伸出手来和我握手,而当我的手被她握住时,感觉那股力量能把碳压炼成钻石。多年后的现在,轮到我当父亲了。记起以前接女友聚会时,我受了多少冤枉罪,因此我要尽力让我女儿的追求者们感觉更糟。我的格言是:在客厅就挫掉她们的锐气,那么她们整晚全部不敢轻举妄动。作为一个父亲,我有部分基础规矩,我把它们刻在竖在客厅里的两块石碑上。规矩一:假如你把车开进我家的车道而且响喇叭,你最好是个送快递的。不然,想从我这里带走什么?绝对没门儿。规矩二:你不能在我面前碰我女儿。你能够瞄她一眼,只要你没盯着她脖子以下的部分看。假如你无法让视线或手离开我女儿的身体,那么我来帮你移开。规矩三:我知道像你这个年纪的男孩子流行穿那些松松垮垮的裤子,松到似乎全部快滑到屁股以下的地方了。我不是要欺侮你们,可是你和你那些好友也真是十足的傻瓜。不过,我还是想在这方面表现得公正和开放一点,因此我提出一个折中的提议:你能够外露内裤,且穿比合身尺码大十倍的裤子来到我家门口,我不会反对。不过,说真的,为了确保你的衣裤不会在你和我女儿聚会的过程中掉下来,我会拿我的电动钉枪把你的裤子在你腰部位置牢牢钉紧。规矩四:我知道肯定有些人跟你说过,今时今日做爱而不用某种“屏障”,你会被干掉。我来补充解释一下:说到“做爱”,我就是那个屏障,而且我会干掉你。规矩五:为了能相互了解,我们应该聊聊运动、政治和当日发生的部分其它事。但请你不要这么做。我唯一想从你那里知道的是你估量什么时候能把我女儿安全送回我家,而有关这个话题,我需要从你那听到的唯一一个词是“很早”。规矩六:我不怀疑你是个“抢手货”,有很多机会聚会其它的女孩。只要我女儿以为没问题,那我也没问题。不然,一旦你和我女儿聚会,除非她不要你了,不然你得一直只和她聚会。假如你让她流泪,我会让你流泪。规矩七:当你站在我前门走廊等我女儿的时候,假如等超出了一个小时,不要叹气或烦躁。假如你想按时看电影,你就不该聚会。我女儿正在化妆,那过程可能比画金门大桥需要的时间更长。和其呆站在那里,你何不做些更有意义的事,比如帮我的车子换换机油?规矩八:以下地点不适适用于和我女儿聚会:有床、沙发或其它比木凳软的东西的那些地方;没有父母、警察、或修女在场的地方;漆黑的地方;有些人跳舞、牵手或快乐的地方;四面暖得足以诱使我女儿穿短裤、背心、露腰T恤衫,或其它不是工装裤、毛衣、拉链高至下巴的羽绒服的衣服的地方;应避免看那些情爱性爱意味浓的专题的片子;许可看碎尸惊悚片。曲棍球比赛也能够去看。我女儿称,当她下楼发觉我企图让她的聚会对象背诵这简单的八大规条时,她感觉很困窘。我也以为困窘才八条呢,还在那里大声埋怨!而且,必需郑重申明,我从没向这些笨蛋中的任何一人暗示威胁说,假如她记不住这些规条,我会把它们纹在她手臂上。我只是告诉她,我以为用圆珠笔把这些规条写在她手臂上不够好笔墨会被洗去用我的烙笔写可能更加好。有一次,当我妻子发觉我让一个想追求女儿的男孩练习把车开进车道、下车、走上前来敲前门。她问我为何要如此为难那男孩。“你不记得自己像她那般年纪时的情形了吗?”她挑衅道。我当然记得。不然你以为我怎么会想出这八条简单规矩呢?本文为全文原貌 未安装PDF浏览器用户请先下载安装 原版全文